As requested, here is my personal story about my experience as an O.T.O. Member.
The overall structure of the gatherings and the behaviour in the order was great. People were very mature, disciplined, serious, nothing to really complain about on that matter.
The weekly gatherings were split to three parts, the first part was about sharing knowledge, the second about practice, and the third about socialising. I only want to mention this much about structure and processes as I would like to respect the order's privacy and the sensitive information of their operations. After all this is not an “undercover expose” on O.T.O. but simply my personal accounts. I need to mention the basic structure though for the purpose of the storyline.
Knowledge:
The knowledge part was good (for theory), but too basic. Everything was extremely professional, great attitude, you could tell that these people were/are studying for years and years... BUT... the knowledge shared wasn't anything you could not find on any mass-market paperback on the subject of Thelema and Magick.
If a member is an Umanis with no previous contact with the Occult, then yes, these gatherings are a Treasure! For someone who comes from my background though, this wasn't enough. To give a better perspective, imagine being a native French speaker and you join a university for French literature, only to find out that the head professor has been taught French on Duolingo and is teaching the people basic spelling.
Needless to say that I was not sharing any of my knowledge as this would be disruptive. I just kept pretending I was a beginner.
The Practice:
The practice had nothing to do with real magic BUT I was enjoying it as it was some really good practice on meditation, discipline, visualisation etc.
I was also very impressed by the amount and quality of the instruments they had. They were setting up a proper temple, everything was hand-crafted and of very high quality, it was good! I really admired that.
What put me off a few times was that, unfortunately, along with the people who are serious about it all, you always have the role-players (see the article about Meeting the Pagans).
I remember during one group meditation, our goal was to achieve a collective vision. We did, we really managed to enter each other's minds with the two people on my right and left, and you could tell the connection was there because you could see it in their eyes how impressed, yet terrified, they were at the same time after the meditation ended. I do not know if this happened because they connected with me since I am not an Umanis (I used a Venumbris technique) and it was their first time forming a genuine mental circuit or not... but we know it worked because the task was for every person to write on a piece of paper exactly what they saw during the collective vision as soon as they stopped meditating, and then reveal it to the group.
I and the people on my sides saw the exact same thing, and we described our mental interaction. The rest of the group had “some” similarities between every two or three people, but then the whole make-believe started...
Someone said “Yes yes I saw that too but forgot to write it, and then a Pirate came from the mist”... to which another person replied “Oh my god, I saw the pirate too, and the mist!”... At this point you could tell they were making a story and trying to build it along the way as they added things that none had written on their papers.
Anyway... most of the practice sessions were good, but many were like this too...
Again, as with the knowledge part, I could not use any genuine Venumbris technique in front of them... I realise this was a group of Umanis “hoping” to achieve something magical, and performing something in front of them could potentially ruin their entire operation.
The Social part:
After knowledge was shared and practice was completed, it was time to socialise. Everyone should bring something, be it a drink, food, baked goods etc.
They were the loveliest bunch of people you could expect to find in these circles, but alas, sadly, during the social sessions one came to realise that these people too, followed the “lonely outsider trying to fit in and feel special” archetype...
Instead of Practice being the exciting highlight of the gathering for them, it was the social part. Everyone shared stories about their inflated magical achievements, local gossip, and there were even instances of stroking each other's ego about “how much better the people in the order are compared to pagans and covens, because these (pagans) are delusional loners and the true magic is in the order” (quite the irony)...
What is important is that they did not have a bad bone in them (not that I could tell at least), they treated me, and each other, kindly and with respect, and they were a joy to be around.
As the months passed by I lost motivation because I was not learning anything new or anything practical, and socialising was simply not enough to keep me engaged. I started missing a session a month, then a couple in a row... Then, I moved to another city in search of... whatever I was searching for at that time.
I never saw them again.
I kinda miss them when I think about them. I have no idea what they are doing now, where they are, or what is going on with their lives.
A few years later I found out during a visit (I bumped to someone who lives in that city) that the O.T.O. there had been disbanded and there is no group any more. (upon checking now, just a member is left with an e-mail but no physical address or official temple anymore)
This was my experience at the Ordo Templi Orientis...
Thinking about it... my honest thought on Alister Crowley (since I am writing about O.T.O.) is that he was an Umanis (or mixed, in order to wield magic) who managed to find some true magic... BUT kept all the legitimate findings to himself for his own endeavours and just toyed with the rest of the Umanis by giving them fragments of real information, filling it with absurdity. Did he do it to have fun? Did he do it to have no competition and always have the upper hand? None will ever know.
-Mortimor
P.s. If you are reading this and you are from my O.T.O. Group, I hope you now understand some of my behaviours and the things I was telling you about. Also, please, keep my identity a secret. Thank you.
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